Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Fuck you, 50 Shades.

So I've been reading this blog lately. Many laughs were had, especially over her damningly accurate reviews of the 50 Shades books. (Go have a look if you haven't already, you won't regret it.) It got me thinking about those fucking books and how utterly irredeemable they are. And I mean it, I'm not just jumping on the bandwagon anymore. There isn't even much of a bandwagon anymore, it's probably just the percussion section left, most of the outrage has died down. BUT NOT MINE. Mine endures. It seethes.

I read all three books to avoid being that person who complains about something they've never experienced purely because it's what everyone else is doing. After finishing the last book, I decided those people are really fucking sensible and I should have done that too, because then I would have no idea who Christian Grey, or Anastasia fucking Steele are, nor would I have had to experience them shagging.

There are people who LOVE these books. They think they're EROTIC. I don't fucking-- I don't-- I can't--

ARGH, THERE ARE NO WORDS. It had the opposite effect on me. I swear to god, my poor boyfriend got zero action for the week I was reading those books. I wasn't sure I'd ever have sex again, not when I knew there were people all around the world (sob) imitating 50 Shades in the bedroom. That's not a 'Fuck you' to the BDSM community, that's a 'Fuck you' to the wannabe Anastasia fucking Steeles of the world. 50 Shades isn't even about BDSM. It's so goddamn misrepresentative it's unreal. Like, way to offend an entire subculture of people, E.L James.

It just drives me insane. There are these points in the book where I guess E.L James couldn't be bothered to change the vampire stuff much, so I had to read about Ana blowing Christian and commenting: 'It's like my very own Christan Grey-flavoured popsicle.' I guess I can understand how she left it in, a popsicle being a generally phallic-shaped object, but FUCK. They're cold. She put it in because they're cold, and originally that was Bella giving a blowjob to Edward, who WOULD be cold, being a motherfucking vampire and all. BUT CHRISTAN GREY IS JUST A PERSON. Asdsgsrgsergsehsrth.

There are these moments where Edward clearly wants to bite Bella, but since she thinks BDSM is the same as being murderous, undead serial killers, it just comes off like Christian Grey is, like, slow. Or psychopathic. Or both. As if the urge to bite someone and drain all their blood is the same as the urge to have sex. OH, IT'S LIKE CHRISTIAN IS THINKING ABOUT RAPING HER, WHY DOES THIS SHIT GET CREEPIER THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT?

The more I read these books, the more they depressed me. I mean that literally. I would open one, start to read, and feel an actual sinking feeling in my chest at E.L James' writing 'style'. I had to skim-read the last half of the third book for fear of my own emotional well-being.

I seriously feel sorry for the women who will probably have to read 50 Shades of Sex Tips in Cosmo or some other ridiculously out of touch magazine. DO NOT TAKE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM 50 SHADES OF GREY.

Arghargh, I can't.


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