Sunday, 27 July 2014

Like Two Things that Fucking Mystify Me

This post was going to be called: Things Which Puzzle Me That I Could Solve In Seconds Via Google But I Don't Because I Want Some Mystery to Remain in the World.

I thought that was too long for the title bar, so compromised with the shorter, more swear-y, piratey version. It also started off saying 'Five Ordinary Things that Fucking Mystify Me', but I can't commit to anything, so now it's two. The gist is the same, anyway. Said gist being that there are things in the world that just make me scratch my head and WONDER. Why? Why do these things exist? Who invented them? What manner of people have purchased them in such numbers as to keep them on the shelves of shops? Most of these things aren't products, just things that flit through my mind at any given moment in time, usually when I'm supposed to be doing something more important, like keeping my attention on the road and my hands at ten and two.

It's generally all manner of random shit. I spent an entire car journey wondering about the classification of Jaffa Cakes. I don't know if this is an England-only product, so for the rest of the world, I have drawn in glorious technicolour and MS Paint a stunning and entirely accurate picture of what a Jaffa cake is:

Very scientific

And just in case there are some MAD people out there who aren't blessed with immediately clarity due to the professionalism of my depiction, here's a photo I guess.

Not scientific. I think we can all agree mine was the superior depiction

So, yeah. That's a Jaffa Cake. It looks like a biscuit - it lives with the other biscuits on the biscuit aisle at the supermarket, and yet it is not called a Jaffa BISCUIT. Perhaps the whole packet is a cake, and I've just been going about it all wrong my entire life. It's entirely possible you're supposed to take them all out at once and eat them corn-on-the-cob style.

But NO. They don't really possess the qualities needed to qualify for cake status. It's not big, there's no icing, you can't stick a birthday candle in one. On the other hand, they're not really biscuits either. They're far too soft to be a biscuit. You wouldn't dunk that in your cup of tea, you'd end up with melted chocolate and the sponge would suck up too much liquid and then there'd be nothing for it but tears and recriminations and regrets.

CLEARLY, Jaffa Cakes need some new name, some new classification. Or, fuck it, I don't know, we could just go on calling them Jaffa Cakes because that's their name. Whatever.

That's the prognosis I came to during my car journey, in any case. I also spent at least fifteen minutes wondering if someone made a massive Jaffa Cake (I'm talking Kayne's ego big) and dropped it in the ocean, would it float?

The answer to that, I came to quite quickly: "Who the fuck cares, what is wrong with you - seriously, I think you need to see someone."

Other shit that frightens and confuses me:

Fingerless Gloves

Look at all the things I can do! How warm is your palm right now? I bet it's hot, I bet it's burning.

Like I said in my waffle of a preamble to this list, I'm not looking up the origins of these things until I've made some wild stabs in the dark of my own, so if anyone is thinking 'JUST GOOGLE IT, YOU IDIOT' well, you can just go Google your face. Yeah. Drop the mic and PEACE.

Uh, right, so, fingerless gloves.

Who in their right mind sees a chilly morning, then looks at their gloves and snips the fingers off? Gloves are supposed to cover the whole hand area, INCLUDING THE FINGERS. THE FINGERS ARE ALWAYS THE FIRST THING TO GET COLD.

I literally can't think of a single reason fingerless gloves were invented, unless Hollywood purposefully made them so that when we see homeless men warming their hands over their fire-barrels in a movie we know they're really, really poor because they can't even afford a whole pair of gloves. It's plausible, I suppose, that there is some kind of glove shop in Hollywood that will sell homeless people either one full glove, fingers included, or two gloves without the fingers for the same price. But what the hell is he doing with all those disembodied glove fingers? Hat for a snake? And no, that wasn't innuendo but now I can't stop thinking about it.

Woolly condom. That's just wrong. Just wrong. I'm pleased to say after very tentatively searching around the internets for a little bit, that there are no woolly condoms on the market. The only thing I could find was this:

I don't know what the fuck is going on here, but that lady is really not happy about it. HER EYES ARE DEAD.

So, okay. I admit defeat. I can't think of a single useful use for fingerless gloves other than to perpetuate a homeless stereotype, and possibly if there's a Russian violin player out there who is forced to perform outdoors and he needs ungloved fingers to play.

Let's Google this bitch and find out what they're really for.

The first result is not really what I'm looking for, but it might be the best question I've ever seen asked on the internet, though it provokes a whole lot of other questions:

So, at least we've established that fingerless gloves were not invented to help lizards in their fly fishing competitions. WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT, YOU GUYS. Who ASKED that question?! And WHY?

You know what, I don't want to know what the real answer is. I'm not going to adhere to the person who responded to the lizard fishing question. From this day forth, if anyone asks me what fingerless gloves were invented for, I shall say 'To help lizards catch fish'.

I can't top that. Moving on.

Pigs as Pets

There's a chance I might offend some people with this particular mind-bender of mine, but I'm sorry guys, I just don't get it. I like pigs, don't get me wrong, but I like them because they're delicious, not because they make good pets.

I am specifically talking about 'Teacup pigs'. I play a lot of Warcraft, and an online friend of mine is obsessed with motherfucking teacup pigs. I don't even know what they are. I'm pretty sure the clue is in the name, but like, the honey badger is badger, not honey, so how do I know that these aren't just teacups decorated with pigs?

Well, that's a silly question, because my pig-obsessed friend babbles about how awesome they are and how she wants one to dress up in tiny clothes and fucking Instagram photos of it or something, I don't know, I tune her out after a while. I think if she is so set on dressing up a small thing she might as well have a baby. Human clothes are supposed to go on humans, and while it's hilarious to see grumpy cat in a Santa outfit, there are people (as with any portion of the population with similar interests) who go batshit crazy with dressing up their pets, making them get married, and on and on.

A dog can't tell you "No thank you, I do not wish to marry the poodle, in fact every time I see her I want to kill her. With my face." And I'm pretty sure there's no doggy divorce cou-- HANG ON A SECOND - WAS MARRYING DOGS TOGETHER LEGAL BEFORE GAY MARRIAGE WAS?

God, I got a bit taken off guard by that. But since I very much doubt a dog wedding is legally binding, it's all good. Jesus fucking Christ I was talking about pigs, how did I get to doggy weddings?

I have no idea what is happening, but it doesn't look consensual.

So, anyway. The vague promise is of teeny pigs that never outgrow a teacup. Now, I'm no farmer, but I call bullshit immediately. TO GOOGLE!

Oh, hey, guess what? It's bullshit!

Hilariously, the very first hit Google tossed my way is 'NEVER BUY A TEACUP PIG'. Interesting. Go on? Yeah, they get big. I mean.. heavier than a Great Dane big, and they'll eat you out of house and home. Turns out - and you're not going to believe this - that teacup pigs are tiny because they're BABIES, and until Hollywood figures out how to halt the aging process altogether, everything has to grow up. These guys grow up, all right, up and out and down and around.. Holy shit, these pigs are fat.

Obligatory before and after shot. That is one delicio-- I mean big, pig.
There's also the fact that, sorry, pigs just don't make good pets. They're fine if you're looking to change your occupation to 'evil mob boss' or whatever, because they'll eat fucking anything, including peoples. If I fall asleep with my dog, all's cool. If I fall asleep with the cats, they'll plot and attack my feet, but that's because they're assholes. I don't want to fall asleep with a pig in case it figures I've been still for long enough and starts trying to eat my leg or whatever. They're also herd animals, so they'll be fucking miserable if you don't get a..


What's the name for a group of pigs? It's a herd, right? Ah, shit, I better check.

'A drift, drove, litter (young), sounder (of swine), team, passel (of hogs), singular (refers to a group of boars)'


WELL, THANKS A FUCKING LOT. THAT DOESN'T HELP AT ALL. ACTUALLY, IT DOES HELP, BUT IT HELPS TOO MUCH. (A streak of tigers? A tower of giraffes? A business of ferrets? This is made-up, right?) All right, through my advanced technique of searching (AKA clicking on more than one Google result) I have discerned that a group of pigs is PROBABLY a drift or a drove.

The fuck was I even talking about? Oh, right.

Pigs are herd animals and will be miserable unless you buy a DRIFT of them to pal around with. Cats and dogs are traditionally predator animals, and have been domesticated for centuries as pets. Pigs are traditionally prey animals and have been domesticated for centuries as dinner. A happy dog will greet your friends with a wagging tail; a happy pig will treat your friends like something that probably wants to eat it. And you, too, probably. I mean, if the world got turned on its head tomorrow and I got adopted by a tiger, no matter how long he was nice to me, I'd still know he had teeth.

In conclusion: Pigs are food, not friends.

Ahahahaha, a 'rhumba' of rattlesnakes. Who makes this shit up?

That's it, I'm done. Here is the collective list of other things that I was going to write about, but don't care enough to bother with:

What the fuck did cave-women use as tampons? Or did they use anything? Why did I think about this?

Who made up words and why do we still use them? There's got to be a point where were collectively say 'fuck it' and don't bother with all the silent letters anymore, surely.

What are cotton buds for if you can't put them in your ears? Nothing as satisfying, probably.

Why don't horse owners have to pick up after their horses when they shit? I mean, dog owners can legally be flayed alive for not scooping the poop. Horses have a lot more shit. Like, a lot. Is it really just because it's all biodegradable hay? Shit's shit, man. It all stinks.

If traffic cones became cognitive and evil would we all just die like sheep? Or is this already happening, I don't even know.



Oh my God, it's a whole thing.

Et tu, brain?

Don't you just love it when not only the world conspires to keep you from sleep (Too hot! Too many loud idiots outside! Cats are playing war on my bed and my feet are the enemy!) but also your own brain decides to chip in:

"Oh hey, I know you want to sleep, and Imma get to that, but first, here's a clipshow of all the embarrassing stuff you've ever done? Ready? Ok, good."

Cue montage. That time I fell of my motorbike in front of a group of lads because I was showing off. I was going like 5mph, I didn't get hurt, but my bike was too heavy to pick up on my own.


The time I was a waitress and was asked to take a bottle of wine to a table. The manager didn't put it in an ice bucket, so I did it myself. It was red wine. I was like fifteen, I had no idea. I remember the conversation as I walked away from the table: "Is that red? We asked for red, didn't we? Why is it chilled? Perhaps it's to improve it." Yes. Yes, go with that. It's to improve it, nothing to do with the waitress being an IDIOT.

Hey, remember that brief period when you were eighteen and you thought it was cool to go everywhere with a red headscarf bandana thing wrapped around your right hand like you were part of the goddamn Crips or something? Ahaha! You looked so stupid!

And on, and on, and on..

Honestly, brain. There's no need to be such an asshole. I just wanted to sleep.

On the upside, I've woken up to discover Ramsay's new series of Hotel Hell has started. Fuck yeah, let's go bitch at people with G-Dog. I'll even recap it.