Monday, 24 December 2012

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Hells, yeah. It's Christmas EVE. You know what that means, right? LOOT!

I cut my teeth on Calvin and Hobbes as a teen, and as such some of my fondest Christmas morning were spend snuggled up sharing a blanket on the sofa with my big brother (still my hero, forever and always) reading the C&H giant special books we'd been bought, and laughing ourselves silly. Those comics never go out of style, by the way. I re-read them all the time, catching a hell of a lot of the hilarious subtleties I missed when I was too young to know some of the longer words.

With this in mind, I present to you a couple of Calvin and Hobbes Christmas spreads - the characters and drawings and writing all from the brilliant mind of Bill Watterson and by no means my own. Please don't sue me. Here's a link to Bill's webpage.

And here are some picks of my favourite Calvin and Hobbes Christmas moments:

Have a CRAZY GOOD Christmas, everybody. I really hope you get to spend some lovely time with some lovely people.

I know I will! I'm spending it with all my family and it's going to be AWESOME. I mean, once my Mum has more than two glasses of wine she's going to start messing with my hair and asking me if I'm not really too old for the pillar-box red these days. I will sigh and catch my Dad's eye across the room, who will make a witchy-face behind my Mother's back in silent solidarity with my plight. And then it'll be all 'Why haven't you married the Spy yet,' and 'A long engagement is only for couples with no intention of marrying," and blah, blah..

But it's okay! I'll retreat to library where my Grandad will be camped out with a thick book of something that looks like the dullest book in the word ('The Five Hundred Kind of Bricklaying' or something such) but which becomes the most interesting book ever once he starts reading excerpts to me. His voice is packed with gravel and soaked in whiskey, it's a voice Morgan Freeman would be jelly of.

TODAY I have been wrapping presents and watching reruns of Rock of Love. That, my friends, was the trash TV that got me into Reality TV. If you don't know about it, it was a 'dating' show starring Bret Michaels of Poison fame, and twenty skanks vying for his love. 

YOU GUYS. THESE PEOPLE. I have never.. I mean.. They're naked half the time, drunk off their faces, trying to sneak into Bret's room to give him head, as if his penis is even capable of doing what it's supposed to these days, after all the Poison roadies he's banged and the plethora of STDs that come along with that kind of lifestyle.

You know, I watched all of this back in the day, and came to the conclusion that Bret is actually a fairly decent guy. The women are all skank cuntknuckles painted in three-feet of stripper make-up (even the ones that AREN'T strippers). And they crazy, you guys. CRAZY.

I would need to devote an entire post to the crazy of those women, what with the shoving people into pools, one of them maybe being legit possessed, The Letter, Erin's circus tits, Rodeo.. being Rodeo. My GOD I love Rodeo. She is about the best, craziest person I've ever seen on TV - and I watch TV for a LIVING! Sort of. Not really. You know what I mean.

I would need a whole post just to focus on RODEO. I might do that.

I'll look into it after Christmas!

Until then, HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE, have the best time, get drunk, get loot, eat until you're rolling around, and laugh the whole time. It's good for the soul.

Peace, lovelies.


Tuesday, 18 December 2012

December the WHATETH?

Oh good Lord, it's Christmas in a week.

I should really buy presents.

Not right now at this moment because I'm watching Catfish. I didn't even know this show existed. It's about people who fall in love over the internet but have never met. This guy takes one half of the couple to meet the other without the other's knowledge and so far NO ONE IS WHO THEY SAID THEY WERE. I mean, there were a couple of clues with the first one, seeing as no one who is a model full time and a cue-card writer on the Chelsey Handler show and a tragic past involving three dead sisters is going to be that active online anyway. But it was a girl! A nineteen year old girl! People be crazy, y'all.

At any given moment recently I will hear a rustling noise and look over to see one, two or all cats in the Christmas tree. It's driving me up the wall. Their main reason for being in the tree is, apparently, to see who can knock the most baubles off it and subsequently make me huff and puff and complain about having to hang them again. I woke up yesterday and the angel from the top of the tree was on the lounge floor, looking at me with a kind of shell-shocked, traumatised expression. She'd been through things, man.

No matter how motionless you are, I CAN STILL SEE YOU, CAT.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Saturday naps and Kitchen Nightmares

I have become a nap aficionado. Despite prevailing insomnia, naps are freaking awesome. When I haven't slept the night before, there's nothing as awesome as swan-diving into my bed at midday and immediately becoming comatose for a couple of hours. Bed is softer, dreams are weirder.. I'm just a fan. I mean, I just had a Homeland style dream wherein my best friend and I were trapped at a railway station passport control because I didn't have a printout from my advanced English studies class in secondary school with me.  I mean, what IS THAT? So GD trippy.

It took me a while to write that, because River is sitting on my lap staring adoringly up at me and purring louder than a thunderstorm. Every time I put my hands back on the keyboard rather than stroking her she BOOPS me on the knuckles with her little paw. Cuteness overload, seriously. I'm 80% sure she's pregnant.

But obviously I'm awake again now, and I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares. This week Gordon is not only going to be fixing a down-on-its-luck eatery, but also a marriage. He's magic!

Even though at the start all the food is gross, watching this show always makes me hungry. Mmm, under cooked scallops.

Oh, this will be a hilariously awful one, I can tell. The owner decided he would save some money and fired the chef, figuring he could run the kitchen himself. Teehee! Schadenfreude.

Everyone's blaming the wife for Barefoot Bob's Beach Grill going down the crapper. It's okay though, because the wife doesn't give a f. She's playing Angry Birds on her phone! Or.. some current game trend, I don't know. Is there a new trendy game everyone's playing? It was Angry Birds, then Temple Run, and now..? I just don't know, I use my phone for leveling out tables and also as a paperweight.

Oh, this is a thing now. Last week Ramsey got up and messed around with the gross decor while he was waiting for his food, and accidentally dumped an urn-full of stinking, stale water over himself and half the diners. Today he's slouching around picking up plates from their shelves and complaining about all the dirt and gunk covering them. I mean, fair enough, when you're in a restaurant you want to know they clean their fucking plates, even the weirdly coloured ornamental ones up on a shelf so high I doubt anyone ever notices them.

Lisa: Bear in mind, he comes from a place where they think scones are delicious.

I TAKE OFFENCE AT THAT, LADY. Fuck you, scones are delicious.

Everyone hates the food at the observation dinner service, SHOCKINGLY. I think I could eat a toasted cheese sandwich.



Let's make up a Kitchen Nightmares drinking game. Every time Gordon shouts, take a sip. Every time Gordon says 'What the fuck', take a sip. When he calls someone 'big boy', take a si--

You know what, forget it. We'll die.

Gordon makes them a brand new improved best clam chowder ever, and they take it to the streets to give it to strangers. Everyone seems to like it, and I'm pretty sure I would as well, because Gordo put vodka in it.

Everyone is super happy about the shack's remodel except the bar manager, who is Lisa's brother. He's slamming shit around passive-aggressively and muttering about how it looks like a hoity-toity place now and how apparently no one is going to want to come in and watch a game on the new pair of giant flatscreens. I don't think this guy knows much about people, y'all. Oh, and then he quits, talking smack about Ramsey (behind his back) as he goes. SO BRAVE.

He doesn't actually stay away, unfortunately. When he comes back he's all "I HOPE RAMSEY IS HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE SOME PARTICULAR WORDS FOR HIM." But then, of course, when Gordon does appear, those promised words do not. He just sort of looks fat, and stews silently. It takes Gordon directly addressing him to get any kind of words out of him, and they're not exactly fightin' talk: "I hope this works, man." OH, SO BRAVE, AGAIN.

I guess it all works out for the best. My copy of the episode froze at around the 38 minute mark. Everyone sounds very happy, at least.

Gordon should do a Domestic Kitchen Nightmares where he just turns up at people's houses and starts rooting through their fridges. I'd love to have him over to my place, but it wouldn't make for a very interesting episode - all I've got in my fridge right now is a bottle of water, half a bottle of wine and some cheese that's got more culture than I do.


Friday, 7 December 2012

Christmas Massacre??

I finally put the Christmas tree up this afternoon, which involved climbing into the attic to drag down my box of decorations. Something happens up there in the eleven months they're not used, and I wish I knew what it was, but I'm mostly glad I don't.

All I know is that all the ornaments went into the box neatly arranged and in one piece.

But, man..


What the hell did that Nutcracker dude do to deserve such an ugly death? He looks as if he's been drawn and quartered. I was rummaging through the box to try and find the tiny Joffrey & Iron Throne that must somehow have materialised in there to call down punishment like that. I couldn't find one, of course, but I would hang the shit out of a Tyrion tree topper. That would be amazing. In fact, if anyone wants to make me a whole set of Game of Thrones Christmas tree decorations, I would be really appreciative. I'd particularly like a Jorah Moremont one, since I am nursing a gargantuan crush on him.

Anyway, I stood looking at the sad broken pieces of Nutcracker dude for a while, wondering whether or not I should glue him back together, or if I should respect the decision of the rest of the decorations and allow them to keep their justice. I mean, I only turn up once a year, they have to maintain order somehow for the entire time they're packed away in the a--

What the actual fuck is wrong with me, sometimes.

A plague a' both your houses.


It's a dazzlingly bright, freezing day in Jolly Old England. I would actually go as far as to say it's beautiful. I threw the curtains open this morning and the pale winter sun damn near blinded me. This, I thought, this is a Hollywood English winter morning, and I really ought to make a movie moment. I had visions of leading ladies looking effortlessly captivating in their spotless white coats, quirky hats and impossibly thick scarves.

I have a white winter coat, bobble hat and chunky knit scarf.

So, that's how I found myself walking down the country lane behind my house, having taken more care over dressing and presenting myself than I usually would to go out for a night. I had my headphones in, I was listening to Going North by Missy Higgins - it was insanely cold but it was beautiful life in amazing clarity. From the frost-bearded leaves to the diamond blue sky, it was perfect.

Yeeeah. That lasted about two minutes.

I stepped on a frozen puddle and did that impromptu Broadway dance thing of suddenly flailing arms to stop myself from actually falling. Pretty sure I made a 'HOOOBARRGH!' noise.

Not the end of the world, though. I gave an airy laugh and carried on.

But then it happened again. And then I damn near twisted my ankle off because a pile of wet leaves were disguising a hole. And THEN a pair of squirrels ran over the tree branches above me, disrupting the boughs enough to send a shower of freezing leftover rain and dew down all over me. It went DOWN THE BACK OF MY NECK. That is NOT COOL. And did you know that even though bobble hats are ridic cute, they're not waterproof? Like, at all? My hair is dyed the red of the fires of Mount Doom at the moment, but the thing with red hair dye is that it never completely rinses clear when you wash it off. That means every time  you wash your hair the water looks like someone's been murdered. So when the unexpected shower hit me, little rivulets of red started to track down my face and the back of my neck, and yes, over my white coat.

I took my coat off hurriedly as I stumbled as fast as I dared back towards my house, holding it at arm's length. I was nearly free and clear, then I tripped on what with later inspection turned out to be a frozen dog turd, and ended up on my knees in wet leaves and freezing mud.

At that very moment, a man came around the corner with his dog. I can't tell you what he must have thought, but he froze where he was and stared at me. I don't blame him, I looked insane. My hat was crooked, I was in a grey vest-top in the middle of winter on my knees in crap, with one arm thrust out holding what must have appeared to be a white coat covered in blood stains.

Man, I fled. I can't dress that up to be pretty, I had no words. I just peaced.

So, now I'm nursing a hot coffee and wishing it had whiskey in it, soaking my coat in Ace and applying plasters to my skinned knee.

I should have done what I always do and stayed inside, growing more and more pale and interesting and photosensitive.


Thursday, 6 December 2012

It's Horror Thursday!

I do look forward to Thursdays. It's the day I get to watch American Horror Story and have the bejesus creeped out of me. Amidst all the sappy, heart-warming sitcom Christmas specials, I doubt there'll be much to celebrate in Braircliff, what with all the aliens and devils and woodland melty-face creatures.

I'll be watching AHS first, then all the aforementioned seasonal sitcom specials, to ensure I'm manipulated into feeling Christmassy. I need a kick up the arse to put the tree up.

I can't recap AHS because I watch half of it through my fingers, but..


Deadwood was one of my favourite shows ever, and though I'm aware Ian McShane has been in a buttload of movies and TV shows, he'll always be Al Swearengen to me.

Anyway, I'm delighted to see him in American Horror Story, talking smack to Santa wh-- Oh, sorry, amend that to 'killing Santa'. Someone's on the naughty list! Boom-tish!

Okay, Ian McShane has knocked all the Christmas out of me by tracking down people with lots of decorations, trussing them up and shooting them. Suddenly I'm really glad my tree isn't up yet. My GOD, he's a good actor. I've got chills.

Speaking of chills, it's the opening credits! Freakiest opening credits since.. well, since American Horror Story season one. Every time the statue of the Virgin Mary smiles I spaz out.

Devil!Eunice is in the Christmas spirit though, and it's just delightful. She's prancing around taking hair and dentures from the inmates to use as tree decorations, since Sister Jude threw all theirs out last year with a promise that they would never celebrate Christmas again. It's super creepy. NEVER LET A DEMON HAVE YOUR HAIR OR YOUR TEETH, PEOPLE. Honestly, even I know that, and do I live in a freaky asylum run by the devil?

Anyway, I'll be quiet now and watch this.


Ugh, I'm NOT recapping this, I swear. It's just I get a bit giddy when things like this happen. And MAN, Jude has the devil down bang to rights, speculating that the only reason the devil can be around so many sacred icons and wear a cross is because of Sister Eunice's purity.

BOOO, stupid Dr Arden interrupts their smackdown and Jude gets escorted out. Man, I was really hoping she'd kick some unholy ass.

Oooh, Ian McShane is in solitary in Briarcliff! And Devil!Eunice has brought him a present. I'M SO EXCITED. Ian McShane's prezzie is a Santa suit, and ours is a flashback to the Christmas that made Sister Jude ban all Christmasses from thereon out - Leigh (For that is Ian McShane's character's name) spoils a photo for the newspaper that Jude has arranged. He does this by biting a man's face off in front of the photographer.

Devil!Eunice expositions that the reason Leigh hates Santa, presents, etc is because he got Jean Valjeaned at  Christmas when he was young (thrown into prison for stealing a loaf of bread) and when the prison guards went caroling five men held Leigh down and raped him. Which is.. horrific.

Shh, I'll be quiet, I'm watching, honest.

OH MAN, Dr Arden has bought Devil!Eunice a Christmas present. I'm so blown away by Eunice's performance, it's just incredible. She was this timid little mouse, and now she's just.. well, the devil. Ohhh, DR ARDEN. Giant ruby earrings, genuine, from the concentration camp where he took them from a woman who swallowed them every day and then pooped them out to hide them. Devil!Eunice gives the earrings a sidelong glance as Dr Arden mentions the poop, but then she does this hilarious half-shrug and continues to put them on.

It's amazing, seriously.

Dr Arden kind of impresses me by saying he gave them to her in the hopes that she would throw them back in his face and be horrified at the story of the woman who died from internal bleeding after swallowing her earrings and passing them so many times. He wanted a glimpse of that sweet girl who was too afraid to take a bite of his candy apple. But then I remember that creepy scene and go right back to being quietly revolted by Dr Arden. Then I remember he's a Nazi and feel really bad that I ever liked him even a tiny bit.

Lana is being sick. I hope she isn't pregnant, that would suck.

Arden seeks out Jude at the nunnery and the scene kicks ass. Those two are amazing combatants, it's a classic 'the enemy of my enemy' collusion.


Ugh, I predict Frank is going to get impaled on the special glass Christmas tree star. There's no way Devil!Eunice would let him hang around while he's ready to go to the police about Kit and Grace.

Oh, I was wrong. Ian McSanta tries to slash Frank's throat with the star, but he misses and gets thrown back in the hole for his trouble. Eunice finishes the job though, to Leigh's immense shock:


Sister Jude expected to be locked in the office with Eunice, but that wily devil has put Ian McSanta and a straight razor in there with her instead. I've paused it because I love Jude and I don't want her to die. Arghhh.

LANA, what did I TELL you about trying to escape? Now fucking Threadson is back and menacing you and knocking you around and being creepy as shit. He's burned all his Bloodyface paraphernalia at home and now wants BF to be born again. Oh, and Lana's skin will be the start of that. Which is nice. Always nice to be included, to inspire, even.

BLAMMO! Kit clocks Threadson with a rubbish bin! Or possibly an ashtray. Could things actually be looking up for the good guys?

Certainly not in Jude's office, where Ian McSanta has found the cane cupboard. Ugh. This isn't going to be pretty.

Kit won't let Lana kill Threadson, which is kind of the only good idea she has ever had. Sigh. They truss him up and chuck him in a back room instead.

Oh HURRAY! Jude manages to stab Ian McSanta in the neck. To death.

And aliens take Grace's body in front of Dr Arden.

This wasn't a recap, honestly. I know it wasn't because it didn't take six hours.

Man, that was a good episode! I'm looking forward to seeing how Eunice finds out Jude isn't dead, and what happens between the two of them when they face off. I want to see how Dr Arden tries to science away the alien abduction that happened right in front of him, and I'd really like to see Lana dispense some bloody justice on Bloodyface.

Time to watch something Christmassy and to try to scrub my mind of the image of a rape-y, Ian McShane Santa.

Watch American Horror Story, it's BLOODY brilliant!

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Happy Endings: Series Three, Episode Five Recap

So ill... RUINED. Everything hurts.

But Happy Endings is goooood.

Holy Christmas, I love this show. It's just going from strength to strength at the moment, warring with New Girl for position of the program that cracks me up the most. Recapping it will take ALL MY SKILLS AS A BLOGGER (-5), since so much of it is visual back-and-forth between the cast. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Fade in on the gang minus Penny at the bar. Max has found his 5th grade comedy set list and proceeds to lisp it off using a beer bottle as a mic to the trepidation of some, but the utter joy of Brad. It's adorable.

"What is the deal with these moms who make lunch? Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Why write me a note, you silly goose? I know you love me, you told me this morning!"

Mixed reactions. It's okay, Max. Comedy is hard. I hear.

Alex puts her palm up in a little 'amen' gesture that's pretty cute.

"And wh-hat is the deal with these juice box straws? I mean, how hard does it have to be to get the facata thing in the hole?"

Brad giggles himself into a puddle and agrees, while Max goes on to say the rest of it is about the difference between little boys and little girls ("Little girls be sharing,") and Alex clarifies for us all that it's funny because it's a lisp.

Brad notices Jane isn't exactly laughing herself into oblivion with the rest of them and adorables his way through asking her what's up. Turns out she's feeling vulnerable because she can't get into the boys club at the car dealership, seeing as they bond over looking at porn at work and apparently it's a bit of a buzzkill when Jane's all "Wow, to think she's someone's daughter. She was once a baby. At a nursery!" over the photos.

"At a nursery!"

Brad's got the answer though, and cites Jane's sexy secret weapon as a solution. Jane thinks he's talking about her Jack Nicholson impression, which really does need to be seen (and heard, but I'm working with what I've got here) to be believed:


But no! Brad is, of course, talking about himself. He is awesome at guy talk, and all Jane needs to do to get an in with the boys is invite them over to their place, and Brad will be her guy guide. Her "guy-ide." ("Yep, already a word, heard it as soon as I said it.") Jane is pleased!

Enter Penny. I can't-- I mean-- I don't--

Just look:

"What, question mark, is, question mark, tha-at, question mark." - Jane.

Yeah, she's wearing a prescription helmet. She has a concussion from one of the half-hundred times she's hit her head in the recent past and the doctor has told her she has to wear the flesh-toned monstrosity for a month to give her brain a breather. A month!

The guys give her shit about it, obviously. They go around the table with solid helmet jokes until they get to Alex, who can only manage: "Yeah-- did you-- I wo-- Helmet joke! I just wanted in."

We're treated to a couple of cuts to Penny bashing the shit out of her head as she starts to realise that she doesn't remember any of the incidents and freaks out a little about it all. She can't even remember how she got to the bar! That's normal though, isn't it? I routinely tune out when I'm going some place I've been a bunch of times before. Either I get abducted by aliens a lot, or I'm brain-damaged, or it's normal. I dunno, man.

In any case, the gang decide to be super helpful and sensitive to Penny's sudden terror by talking reee-aally slowly and moving like they're in water to freak her out and make her think she's having a stroke. She whines us into the opening credits, and I giggle.

Alex THWAPS us into the scene by nailing a shot in Foosball and celebrating loudly. With many gestures. Max calls her a tiny hooligan and opines that it's humiliating to be beaten by someone only marginally bigger than the tiny Foosball men. Alex whips out a vuvuzela from nowhere and quite literally toots her own horn, only to be scolded by Max who then goes on to admonish Dave for taking Alex to a soccer game, telling him 'It'll never catch on here'.

Enter 'Brody':

THREE popped collars? Someone shoot him. Wait, there's no time, just shoot me.

Dave doesn't like him, but Max says he seems all right, though he bases that mostly on the fact that his name has the word 'bro' built into it. I'm with Dave though, Brody is a powerhouse of douchebaggery: he TOTALLY UNIRONICALLY addresses Dave as 'D-Rose', and when asked what's up replies that he's 'Just crushing life'. Alex sort of snarls when Brody refers to her as 'the nutcracker'. Max deems the joke to be classic, however, and offers Brody a fistbump. Brody 'turkeys' Max's fist, then peaces.

Max is traumatised.

"Your hand's a turkey, bro."

Apparently a fist-bump is a sacred contract between the fists of men, and Brody has destroyed all of Max's good grace by making a mockery of that.

Meanwhile, at Jane and Brad's place, the meeting of the boy's club is in session. Brad gives Jane a pep talk about what's about to go down, expositioning that all guys love college football and so after Brad brings the topic up, Jane is to launch into her pre-prepared tirade about... I don't know, some college football abbreviations. They do their own version of the football chest-bump, which is arm-arm-chest-groin, with accompanying 'uhh' noises. It makes me giggle.

It doesn't work, however, since the Car Czar isn't into college football. What he is into, however, is not-so-subtly ripping on his wife when she expresses an interest in Brad's homemade candles. "Uh-oh, you did it now, Brad, you found her hobby: making bad versions of things you can just easily buy in a store!"

The Czar's wife goes chilly at this, though it's all happening beneath the surface. Her smile stays in place, but it drops from her eyes, so she's not so much grinning as parting her lips with all her teeth showing. She begs Brad to show her how he made it, and spirits him off much to the chagrin of Jane who doesn't want to be left alone. She really shouldn't be left alone, if her small-talk to the Czar is anything to go by. She falls back on the only thing she knows he's into, which is naked ladies. She's all "So, you and the guys wanna go check out some porno?" It's awful. She keeps talking. It's awful some more. I cringe all the way into my seat and beg her to stop. "Get some eyes on some thighs? Some peepers on some creepers? Some rods and cones on some... bra-ows and tho-w-ngs?" Aaaah! The Czar declines her super weird offer.

We're at the bike store with Penny and Alex! They're trying to pick out a more stylish 'street' helmet for Penny to wear. As she's checking herself out wearing a pink helmet, Penny accidentally backs into a super cute guy, and they proceed to flirt all over the place. It goes very well, except for Penny's ill-advised: "Quaint? Isn't that the space between a gal's goal and her penalty box?" OH, PENNY. To her credit, she does apologise for it. The guy is called Pete, and he asks Penny out for coffee to which she enthusiastically accepts, before getting a glimpse of herself and her helmet in the mirror. She can't go on a date when she has to wear a helmet all the time! She revises her answer to no, claiming to be 'so slammed' at the moment. Pete accepts that excuse graciously and Penny slopes back over to Alex who pops up from behind a row of helmets all: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HE IS BEAUTIFUL."

"He is so cyah. SO cyah."

Penny agrees, but cites her helmet as the reason she can't go on a date. Alex pooh-poohs all over that, urging Penny to take a chance in case Pete is '[Penny's] soulmate, [her] kindred spirit, [her] One Tree Hill.' Penny's in! Alex tests out a helmet by repeatedly running into the wall.

At Steak Me Home Tonight, Max is carbo-fuelling his rage for Brody by mainlining subs. Four and counting! Dave actually says the word 'sando', which drives me onto the website for the food van to find out which of the subs that is. Nooo, foolish. Sando is slang for sandwich, thanks Urban Dictionary. Sometimes you're a risky click, but not today. Max is sensitive about the fist-bump because this isn't the first time he's been handshake betrayed. Jimmy Nichols offered him a high-five in fifth grade (when Max was doing stand-up comedy?) and Max accepted, only to be counter offered a down-low-five and subsequently too-slowed.

Dave is horrified by Max's story, and goes into full-on melodrama mode. He grits his teeth and braces his hands against the edge of the counter, leaning in to mutter 'Down low, too slow' in an agonised whisper, as if it's a devil he knows all too well, an old adversary. Max is startled by Dave's reaction and asks him what's up, around a mouthful of sando. (I used it in a sentence! Now the word is MINE!)

Dave cracks me up by grizzling out in the same voice Liam Neeson uses to talk to kidnappers: "All that pain. It's my fault. I invented 'down low, too slow.' I did this to you. I'm sorry.. I'm sorry!"

He tosses his kitchen rag onto the floor of the van and books, driven by the ghosts of his past. Max is left baffled and also wondering what the hell he's supposed to do with Steak Me Home Tonight.

Back at Brad & Jane's, the party has split into gender groups. Brad is in the middle of all the wives, giggling and having a criminally good time. Jane is lurking near the Car Czar and the men, who are bitching about their wives and all the shit they buy/do/say. Jane throws a look back at the women and Brad (they're draping their hair on Brad's near-bald head) then sidles towards the Car Czar. She has found her in, but it isn't college football, or her sexy secret weapon. She throws out a joke/insult about how spoiled Brad is, and the Car Czar erupts into laughter before snagging a glass of scotch from one of the men and giving it to Jane. She's in!

Ah, Pete and Penny's date. This is a little cringe-worthy. To cover up why she's wearing a helmet, Penny has signed the pair of them up for Segway tours. She's already on her Segway, and proceeds to drive it into just about everything in sight after saying how intuitive it is to ride. I grimace and mutter something - you don't need this, show! You're better than this! Although, watching it the second time, it is pretty funny.

"It's actually an art, is what I'm finding."
"You're dragging a chair."

The party's over and everyone had a good time! Jane and Brad see the Car Czar and his wife out, and he thanks Jane for the great party and the scotch, which he deems 'the second best eighteen-year old [he's] had all week'. Barf. Jane fakes a laugh and the pistol fingers, before Brad closes the door behind the Czar and we don't have to listen to anymore of his gross jokes, or look at him. He looks like he should be sweaty, but he's not. It's baffling and uncomfortable, much like him! Brad agrees with me, then apologises to Jane for leaving her hanging with the men. Little does he know her jabs at him got her an in with the boys, and they 'talked bull' all night, then Jane was invited to watch a game with them after work. Success! Brad is super happy for her! He's also super happy for himself, since the wives want him to go to their spinning class and then have salads. He's way more stoked about this than I would ever be.

They congratulate each other, Jane calls Brad a trophy-wife (which he loves) and then they do their arm-arm-chest-groin bump again. Yaaay!

Funky musical montage of Jane and Brad hanging with the men and wives respectively! Brad goes spinning:

While Jane watches the game:

I want that sando.
Brad has salad with the girls:

And Jane pulls pranks with/on her guy buddies at the dealership.

"You just got Car-Czar'ed! That was the best ever!"

Meanwhile, Alex pours Penny a glass of wine and pokes her about her blossoming romance with Pete. Uh-oh, things are not going great! Penny is wearing her flesh-toned prescription helmet now they're inside her house. She really likes Pete and even gave the two of them a relationship name (PnP Romance Factory), but she's aware he's getting slightly weirded out that she only ever wants to go on dates where they wear helmets. Yesterday, they took a moped safety course.


Alex has - you're welcome - decided to fix Penny's helmet problem. She brandishes a large cardboard box. At that moment Max comes in and asks if they've seen Dave, since apparently he hasn't seen him since he ran out of Steak Me Home Tonight yesterday.

He turns around to this:

"Oh no, you can still tell I'm wearing a helmet, can't you."

He doesn't know what's going on - he thinks it's amazing and wants no part of it, however - and commands them to come and help him find Dave. Which they do! In the bar! Drowning his sorrows in sangria, complete with a wicked-bad case of sangria-mouth.

"And then the rhyme spilled from my lips like poison: 'Too slow..'"

The burden of being the creator of 'down low, too slow' is taking its toll on Dave. He's slurring and sloppy and sick with guilt. Alex and Max have a quiet aside about how this is a case of believing something when you're young and never being corrected; for the longest time Max thought 'L M N O' was one letter. Alex calls him an idiot, then Max taunts her into revealing her own childhood 'thing' - she pronounces Wednesday phonetically. Dave staggers to his feet and offers to teach Max a counter-move to the turkey fist-bump, using all his handshake trickery. Max is in! He chugs some sangria to seal the deal. Eew, sangria-mouth.

Brad breezes into the car dealership to bring Jane her lunch. The Car Czar remarks that she's 'got hers well trained' and quick as a wink, Jane throws back: "If only I could get him to stop spending so much on gossip magazines!" This is the first time Brad's heard her talk smack about him in front of the menfolk, and he takes her aside by the elbow to throw question marks at her over it. She tries to explain a little, but notices the men looking their way, and so pulls out her wallet instead and loudly tells Brad he seems crabby, shoving some bills into his hands and basically telling him to go buy something pretty.

Uh oh, you guys. It's on.

Penny appears in her helmet all: "Welp! Pete and I are done." Alex is sad at this turn of events! Penny planned a cute impromptu picnic for Pete and herself, but since she couldn't have a normal picnic, what with people not usually wearing helmets for them, and instead had them hunker down in a building site so she could wear a hard hat. They're next to the Portaloo. It's grim. Penny is super sad, because they haven't been physically intimate thanks to the helmet, so instead they've been emotionally intimate, talked a lot, had a real connection, yadda yadda. Alex tells Penny to TELL THE TRUTH, and Penny seems to take the advice to heart, saying she's going to call Pete and have him come over, and that she'll open the door wearing her flesh-toned prescription helmet.

Penny opens the door into our next scene and onto Pete, but d'oh! She's not wearing the helmet! Argh, this is pretty cringe-y as well. Casey Wilson is an incredible sport and she plays the slapstick humour well, but I hatehatehate cringing, and Penny is just pinwheeling off the walls trying to avoid Pete touching/kissing her, in case she bashes her head. She bumps lightly into a lamp, screams and nearly falls into the fetal position.

Jane is closing a sale on a black.. car, I don't know makes and models, don't ask me. Brad quite literally SCREECHES his way onto camera, giving out the most convincing impression of a spoiled, Valley-girl-esque wife I've ever seen. He's wearing a tennis outfit, there are shopping bags dripping from his arms, and he's carrying a coffee and a manpurse. He comes stomping in all: "OH! You would not BELIEVE! Zero parking at the Country Club, and she was all 'That's not your ottoman', and I was all 'Dressing on the side, bitch.' And Dante has a boat. You need to fix this. Right now. What?!" That last was to the customer Jane was so close to closing on. IT'S AMAZING. Jane is livid and mortified.


Jane drags Brad off to get him to explain this bullshit, and he drops the affected tone and theatrics long enough to tell her she ought to be careful what she wishes for - she wanted a trophy wife, now she has one.

Aaaand he's back! He drops the shopping bags and coffee cup (I think) in a dramatic display of malady, falling back against the hood of the car Jane's trying to sell with his arms outstretched and his eyes closed, letting out another tortured "UGH." He goes on: "And I crashed my car. So I need a new one. I want this one, but it has to have a special piggy airbag for my new BFF, Carnita." And here he pulls out a piglet dressed in a matching sweater. IT'S AMAZING.

Back at the bar, Alex, Dave and Max walk in like it's a Western and High Noon is just around the corner. Dave gives Max a pep talk about the upcoming conflict and the trio approach Brody and his gang of idiots.

"Let him make the first move. Remember, fist-bumps are a dance."

Max is greeted as 'Maximilian', Dave as 'D-Rose' again, and Alex as 'almost Mrs D-Rose'. Max gives a totally disingenuous laugh and 'Good one', offering Brody a fist-bump. That CAD Brody immediately TURKEYS Max's fist again! There's a moment of tension - there's blood in the air, we can smell it - Dave gives Max an almost imperceptible nod and Max hits back with, "Too bad it's Thanksgiving", SLICING his free hand across the top of his knuckles to sever Brody's turkey fingers from the fist-bump Brody perverted.

There's a moment of triumph, Alex laughs and Brody's cronies get to their feet, sensing their leader in trouble. Turns out Brody's douchebaggery is enough to see him stand alone, however, as he comes out swinging: "Thanksgiving, huh? What's Thanksgiving without the mashed potatoes?"

Max freezes - he hasn't been trained for this! While Brody's cronies high-five each other in the background, Max snaps and lunges for Brody with a bloodcurdling: "I'LL KILL YOU!" Alex and Dave manage to hold him back, and Dave explains Max's situation to Brody.

Brody seems sincere in his apology ("I had no idea, sorry broself.") and even offers Max another fist-bump as a show of good faith. But! As Max extends his fist to meet Brody's, the VILLAIN pulls his fist away, pursing his fingertips against his thumb-tip and smarming "Squid away.. Squid away." Max is devastated. Alex leaps to his defense, hurling herself onto Brody echoing Max's earlier sentiment: "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Back at Penny's place, there is some a-wine drinking and some a-smooching going on. Penny deflects Pete's hands whenever he moves to touch her head/face as they're making out, and when they end up against the wall, Penny grabs a big ol' roll of kitchen towels and shoves it behind her head to make sure she doesn't accidentally bonk herself. She doesn't do it without being super weird about it, of course, running it over Pete's face and then her own and proclaiming it 'Ooh, quilted'.

In the end, Pete is ready to peace. Penny is acting like a real weirdo and he's had enough. Penny drops the act and explains that it's because she is a real weirdo. She hits her head a lot. Like 'a cartoon coyote a lot'. She comes clean about the month-long helmet thing and says she has been covering it up because she likes him so much, but if he wants to go, he totally can. Pete seems like he's going to do just that, then he comes back with Penny's pink bike helmet and plops it on her head, with an ADORKABLE 'Every queen needs her crown.' Penny melts into the floor.

Yay, it's Trophy Brad again! He's screeching into his cell phone, bringing Jane stalking across the polished floor to yank the phone out of his hand and rake him over the coals for embarrassing her in front of her co-workers. Brad drops the act immediately and says he doesn't have a problem with it, since she clearly didn't have a problem doing it to him. Jane snorts and accuses him of doing the exact same thing to her with his co-workers at his old job. Brad clarifies that no, actually, he didn't, because Brad and Jane are a team, and you don't talk smack about your partner.

This rings true to Jane and she is AWASH WITH GUILT. She apologises and they make up, because they're the cutest thing EVER.

The Car Czar comes schmoozing over to leer everywhere and drip awfulness. He tells Brad he thought he'd be at a bar with the girls by now, 'boobs deep in a Red Velvet martini', talking about Cartier friendship bracelets. Brad lunges for the Czar, (who puts his hand into his jacket pocket, hilariously, like he's got a gun in there) but Jane throws out a soccer-mom arm, and tells him she's got this.

Jane tells the Czar she's done talking smack about her partner, and if he has a problem with that he should go sit on a hood ornament. The Czar is not pleased! No one talks to the Czar like that! Ever! But he likes it! Then he's all: "No, what, I don't like that. What boss would ever like that?" Oh, show. I see what you did there. But Jane is his top salesperson, so he's not going to do anything. He leaves.

All is well in Brad and Jane World, except the matter of the tiny pig who Brad says he bought in anger, and he's going to be '60lbs heavier in like three weeks'. But there's another wrinkle - Brad's learned to love him.

Jane says that if Brad loves him, Jane loves him, but they can't hear each other now, because Brad's taken the pig out of the bag and it's squealing like someone's trying to slaughter it.

"Sing, baby!" Brad is gleeful, and the three of them sing/squeal us into the credits.

That's all for this week. That recap took an unconscionably long time to write when I can't keep hold of a sentence for more than four words. I'm going to collapse on the sofa now and eat ice-cream. Watch Happy Endings, it's awesome.

December is the season for PLAGUE

Ugh, ugh.

Fuck this virus, seriously. I'm so disorientated today, I'm trying to write a Happy Endings recap and I keep forgetting-- IT HAPPENED AGAIN. Completely lost my train of thought mid-sentence. Hateful, hateful virus. I have fever confusion, which is a malady I just made up but you know what I mean.

I just accidentally punched one of the cats in the face when she tried to jump on my lap while I was sitting on the loo. I can't tolerate noise of any kind, I nearly knifed the binmen to death in the face, with my face. FACE. Oh, hysterical laughter. Great, I've actually cracked.


Trying to cheer myself up by wearing a crown but I just noticed two of the fake rubies have fallen out, which frankly has upset me much more than it has any rights to. I like how I felt the need to say they are fake rubies, just in case anyone is under the impression I have the actual crown jewels lying around. Good one, Jen. Fake rubies. Frubies.

Great, I've watched so much Sister Wives while poorly that Cody's verbal retardation has spread to me.

Also, I had a fever dream last night about beating Christina Aguilera at a dance competition, then arranging a fashion show by being number two in a big company, then being on an airplane that was as big as an airPORT and had its own Blockbuster.

I know, crazy right? Blockbuster doesn't even exist anymore.


Send help. And re-hydration sachets.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Oh, and..

Yeah, I've ended up watching more Sister Wives upstairs in bed. Turns out that I only watched two episodes through the night, interspersed with a 3am urge to tidy and then a 4am shower, and lots of Reddit in between.

Everyone is crying a lot more this episode.

Favourite lines so far:

"It's not a circus, it's a goat-rodeo." Cody, the master wordsmith.

"It's the sharing of the doodies." Janelle, who was actually saying 'duties' but because I'm English and half-mad with insomnia, I giggled myself into a puddle over this.

See, there's more of them now, I'm not crazy.
Must. Try. To. Sleep.

Sister Wives, Merlin and Motherfucking Insomnia

Reality TV, man.

I have a complicated relationship with Reality TV. On the one hand, I'm mad that it even exists because it's just this giant time sinkhole in which I'm not learning anything or using my brain, or doing anything constructive with the relatively short time I get on this planet. But then on the other hand, there's the fact that I can watch it with completely dead eyes, a slack jaw, and drool gently pooling on my lap, and when I snap back to semi-coherence I haven't missed anything important or lost track of what's happening at all, because nothing actually happens. Essentially, you can watch reality TV in a fugue state and not lose any of the experience.

It's perfect for an insomnia night. It JUST SO HAPPENS I had one such night last night, and filled it with Sister Wives.

I really want to be snarky and mean about these people, but they're kind of spoiling my fun a little by genuinely seeming to care for each other. Is polygamy kind of baffling to me? Yes, but then I won't share my fries. There a moments where I call bullshit on the wives' whole 'everything is sunshine and roses' schtick - sometimes their eyes get a little too wide and you can see a silent scream going on underneath - but for the most part they seem happy with their life choice. Christ, this is weird. I think I'm too tired to snark.

I mean, who here doesn't look happy?


I WILL SAY, that half of what comes out of Cody's mouth makes me cringe and a good percentage of the rest of it makes me want to vom. If he says 'courting' one more time like it's an actual word anyone used after the eighteenth century I'm going to throw something.

There's a hell of a lot of photos of Jesus in their house, too. We all know what he looks like, guys. I used to hang posters of Dieter Brummer and Leonardo DiCaprio in my room when I was twelve, but I grew out of it. It seems unnecessarily creepy to have Jesus in every room. ALWAYS WATCHING. Jesus doesn't want to watch you get to business with your four wives. Nothing against, Baby Jee, he was a stand up guy.

I've gone on a mad religious iconography tangent.

Last night I also watched possibly the best episode of Merlin I've ever seen, which involved the young sorcerer turning into a woman for ten hilarious minutes. There were plenty of HOYAY moments to keep me entertained as well.

I am way too tired to make any sense today. I'll just publish this and go swan dive into bed. 9:22am seems like a good time to sleep.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Punch. Innaface.

I'm watching this new TV show, The Wedding Band, while I'm wrapped up in a hundred layers of clothing, shivering and feeling utterly sorry for myself because I've got the 'flu. It's a horrid, ANGRY strain of 'flu too, the vomiting and pooping one as well as all the earache and sore throatishness and snot. Seriously, it's the worst. I slept all day, and I hatehatehate waking up when it's dark outside. Completely throws me, I am now confused and frightened.

I had the weirdest 'flu dream about going to see a Game of Thrones museum that was set in some old, half-ruined castle. When you got to the top floor there was all this memorabilia in one room, then a beardy guy came and ran through a presentation that required audience participation because evil Direwolves came out of the walls and attacked everyone until a piece of paper was thrown in a vase. What? I don't know, it was a dream. Anyway, I decided to stay there and put on a red ballgown that was part of the exhibit. And THEN it was an actual medieval castle and I made out with Sean Bean.

But enough of that. This new TV show centers around a group of middle-aged dudes who have - you guessed it - a band that plays weddings. For the event they're hired to do this week (not a wedding, a re-reunion) they're required to hire a female singer so they can do duets.

Cue wacky audition montage. I mean, that was ridiculous in itself. These scantily clad women traipse up to a microphone and make terrible off-key mewling noises. I guess the show didn't want to pay any more silly song royalties, so none of them actually sing a song. The first woman goes 'La-la-la, waaah,' the second goes like 'Boom-tish-tish' or something, I can't remember and I'm certainly not going to watch it again. It was just baffling. None of these women came to the audition with a song prepared? Even the worst of the auditionees on Idol have a fucking song to sing. They don't just go 'La lalala, ooooOOOoooh-a.' SO FUCKING STUPID.

Then this 'cool' woman rocks in and is all 'Let's do [Some song], start playing on my count, one-two-three..' Like, there's this band they're auditioning for and none of the other women thought to have them play, either. I guess she's supposed to come off as ballsy and a woman with attitude, but she just seems like a dick. I rolled my eyes so hard they almost got stuck up there.

Then there's the fact that she's dressed like this:


Oh God, I can't even look at her. Fingerless leather gloves, woolly slouchie hat, some sort of zebra print bra.. Granted, I may be overreacting because I'm poorly and she exists, but if she walked into my audition I'd punch her in the face before she had a chance to speak, let alone sing. I certainly wouldn't hire her. FINGERLESS LEATHER GLOVES?


Not cool, show. I don't need that kind of shit today.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Cake or Death?

Look, let's get real for a moment. That's right, we're getting real.

50 Shades of Grey is a nightmare of a book. It haunts me. I hate it to such a degree that if I see some idiot reading it on the train/plane/street I have to actually restrain myself from slapping the offending book out of their hands and stamping on it. Obviously that would cause more problems for me than it would solve if I chose to do it while cruising at 20,000 feet, but honestly, I think the end would justify the means. I'd at least get a little newspaper article about it where I could say, on the record: "I genuinely felt for the long-term mental health of the woman in question. I wasn't in any way trying to harm her. I was trying to save her. I'm Batman."

I meant to start this entry with a sort of 'do no harm' self-edict, but then I went on a tangent about destroying books, so that's bang out of the window. LOOK, I get that some people like these atrocious books. I get that some people are fanwanking over who may or may not play Christian Grey in a fucking abhorrent movie. I get that. And that's actually okay. Clearly I'm not going to be able to convince all these people that the books are poison and EL James is actually a low-tier demon sent to spread sedition and subtly vilify the BDSM community. So long as you don't make me listen to you talk about how much you love the books, and how that guy from White Collar would be ermagurd the best Fifty ever, then we're okay. If I can't see it, I can pretend it doesn't exist.

With this in mind, I may have to delete my Facebook account, because THIS? THIS, PEOPLE? THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE AND I NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN THIS BULLSHIT:

Are those.. are there stains?
I don't want to see your fucking 50 Shades birthday cake. My GOD.

UGH. CHRIST. I don't have enough expletives in my vocabulary to explain my reaction to this popping up on my Facebook news feed. I want to die.

It probably tastes like bodywash.