I'll be watching AHS first, then all the aforementioned seasonal sitcom specials, to ensure I'm manipulated into feeling Christmassy. I need a kick up the arse to put the tree up.
I can't recap AHS because I watch half of it through my fingers, but..
DUDE, IT'S AL.
Deadwood was one of my favourite shows ever, and though I'm aware Ian McShane has been in a buttload of movies and TV shows, he'll always be Al Swearengen to me.
Anyway, I'm delighted to see him in American Horror Story, talking smack to Santa wh-- Oh, sorry, amend that to 'killing Santa'. Someone's on the naughty list! Boom-tish!
Okay, Ian McShane has knocked all the Christmas out of me by tracking down people with lots of decorations, trussing them up and shooting them. Suddenly I'm really glad my tree isn't up yet. My GOD, he's a good actor. I've got chills.
Speaking of chills, it's the opening credits! Freakiest opening credits since.. well, since American Horror Story season one. Every time the statue of the Virgin Mary smiles I spaz out.
Devil!Eunice is in the Christmas spirit though, and it's just delightful. She's prancing around taking hair and dentures from the inmates to use as tree decorations, since Sister Jude threw all theirs out last year with a promise that they would never celebrate Christmas again. It's super creepy. NEVER LET A DEMON HAVE YOUR HAIR OR YOUR TEETH, PEOPLE. Honestly, even I know that, and do I live in a freaky asylum run by the devil?
Anyway, I'll be quiet now and watch this.
OH MY GOD, AMAZING. DEVIL AND SISTER JUDE SHOWDOWN.
Ugh, I'm NOT recapping this, I swear. It's just I get a bit giddy when things like this happen. And MAN, Jude has the devil down bang to rights, speculating that the only reason the devil can be around so many sacred icons and wear a cross is because of Sister Eunice's purity.
BOOO, stupid Dr Arden interrupts their smackdown and Jude gets escorted out. Man, I was really hoping she'd kick some unholy ass.
Oooh, Ian McShane is in solitary in Briarcliff! And Devil!Eunice has brought him a present. I'M SO EXCITED. Ian McShane's prezzie is a Santa suit, and ours is a flashback to the Christmas that made Sister Jude ban all Christmasses from thereon out - Leigh (For that is Ian McShane's character's name) spoils a photo for the newspaper that Jude has arranged. He does this by biting a man's face off in front of the photographer.
Devil!Eunice expositions that the reason Leigh hates Santa, presents, etc is because he got Jean Valjeaned at Christmas when he was young (thrown into prison for stealing a loaf of bread) and when the prison guards went caroling five men held Leigh down and raped him. Which is.. horrific.
Shh, I'll be quiet, I'm watching, honest.
OH MAN, Dr Arden has bought Devil!Eunice a Christmas present. I'm so blown away by Eunice's performance, it's just incredible. She was this timid little mouse, and now she's just.. well, the devil. Ohhh, DR ARDEN. Giant ruby earrings, genuine, from the concentration camp where he took them from a woman who swallowed them every day and then pooped them out to hide them. Devil!Eunice gives the earrings a sidelong glance as Dr Arden mentions the poop, but then she does this hilarious half-shrug and continues to put them on.
It's amazing, seriously.
Dr Arden kind of impresses me by saying he gave them to her in the hopes that she would throw them back in his face and be horrified at the story of the woman who died from internal bleeding after swallowing her earrings and passing them so many times. He wanted a glimpse of that sweet girl who was too afraid to take a bite of his candy apple. But then I remember that creepy scene and go right back to being quietly revolted by Dr Arden. Then I remember he's a Nazi and feel really bad that I ever liked him even a tiny bit.
Lana is being sick. I hope she isn't pregnant, that would suck.
Arden seeks out Jude at the nunnery and the scene kicks ass. Those two are amazing combatants, it's a classic 'the enemy of my enemy' collusion.
LANA STOP TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM THINGS. EVERY TIME YOU TRY SOMETHING WORSE HAPPENS.
Ugh, I predict Frank is going to get impaled on the special glass Christmas tree star. There's no way Devil!Eunice would let him hang around while he's ready to go to the police about Kit and Grace.
Oh, I was wrong. Ian McSanta tries to slash Frank's throat with the star, but he misses and gets thrown back in the hole for his trouble. Eunice finishes the job though, to Leigh's immense shock:
Sister Jude expected to be locked in the office with Eunice, but that wily devil has put Ian McSanta and a straight razor in there with her instead. I've paused it because I love Jude and I don't want her to die. Arghhh.
BLAMMO! Kit clocks Threadson with a rubbish bin! Or possibly an ashtray. Could things actually be looking up for the good guys?
Certainly not in Jude's office, where Ian McSanta has found the cane cupboard. Ugh. This isn't going to be pretty.
Kit won't let Lana kill Threadson, which is kind of the only good idea she has ever had. Sigh. They truss him up and chuck him in a back room instead.
Oh HURRAY! Jude manages to stab Ian McSanta in the neck. To death.
And aliens take Grace's body in front of Dr Arden.
This wasn't a recap, honestly. I know it wasn't because it didn't take six hours.
Man, that was a good episode! I'm looking forward to seeing how Eunice finds out Jude isn't dead, and what happens between the two of them when they face off. I want to see how Dr Arden tries to science away the alien abduction that happened right in front of him, and I'd really like to see Lana dispense some bloody justice on Bloodyface.
Time to watch something Christmassy and to try to scrub my mind of the image of a rape-y, Ian McShane Santa.
Watch American Horror Story, it's BLOODY brilliant!