Saturday, 8 December 2012

Saturday naps and Kitchen Nightmares

I have become a nap aficionado. Despite prevailing insomnia, naps are freaking awesome. When I haven't slept the night before, there's nothing as awesome as swan-diving into my bed at midday and immediately becoming comatose for a couple of hours. Bed is softer, dreams are weirder.. I'm just a fan. I mean, I just had a Homeland style dream wherein my best friend and I were trapped at a railway station passport control because I didn't have a printout from my advanced English studies class in secondary school with me.  I mean, what IS THAT? So GD trippy.

It took me a while to write that, because River is sitting on my lap staring adoringly up at me and purring louder than a thunderstorm. Every time I put my hands back on the keyboard rather than stroking her she BOOPS me on the knuckles with her little paw. Cuteness overload, seriously. I'm 80% sure she's pregnant.

But obviously I'm awake again now, and I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares. This week Gordon is not only going to be fixing a down-on-its-luck eatery, but also a marriage. He's magic!

Even though at the start all the food is gross, watching this show always makes me hungry. Mmm, under cooked scallops.

Oh, this will be a hilariously awful one, I can tell. The owner decided he would save some money and fired the chef, figuring he could run the kitchen himself. Teehee! Schadenfreude.

Everyone's blaming the wife for Barefoot Bob's Beach Grill going down the crapper. It's okay though, because the wife doesn't give a f. She's playing Angry Birds on her phone! Or.. some current game trend, I don't know. Is there a new trendy game everyone's playing? It was Angry Birds, then Temple Run, and now..? I just don't know, I use my phone for leveling out tables and also as a paperweight.

Oh, this is a thing now. Last week Ramsey got up and messed around with the gross decor while he was waiting for his food, and accidentally dumped an urn-full of stinking, stale water over himself and half the diners. Today he's slouching around picking up plates from their shelves and complaining about all the dirt and gunk covering them. I mean, fair enough, when you're in a restaurant you want to know they clean their fucking plates, even the weirdly coloured ornamental ones up on a shelf so high I doubt anyone ever notices them.

Lisa: Bear in mind, he comes from a place where they think scones are delicious.

I TAKE OFFENCE AT THAT, LADY. Fuck you, scones are delicious.

Everyone hates the food at the observation dinner service, SHOCKINGLY. I think I could eat a toasted cheese sandwich.



Let's make up a Kitchen Nightmares drinking game. Every time Gordon shouts, take a sip. Every time Gordon says 'What the fuck', take a sip. When he calls someone 'big boy', take a si--

You know what, forget it. We'll die.

Gordon makes them a brand new improved best clam chowder ever, and they take it to the streets to give it to strangers. Everyone seems to like it, and I'm pretty sure I would as well, because Gordo put vodka in it.

Everyone is super happy about the shack's remodel except the bar manager, who is Lisa's brother. He's slamming shit around passive-aggressively and muttering about how it looks like a hoity-toity place now and how apparently no one is going to want to come in and watch a game on the new pair of giant flatscreens. I don't think this guy knows much about people, y'all. Oh, and then he quits, talking smack about Ramsey (behind his back) as he goes. SO BRAVE.

He doesn't actually stay away, unfortunately. When he comes back he's all "I HOPE RAMSEY IS HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE SOME PARTICULAR WORDS FOR HIM." But then, of course, when Gordon does appear, those promised words do not. He just sort of looks fat, and stews silently. It takes Gordon directly addressing him to get any kind of words out of him, and they're not exactly fightin' talk: "I hope this works, man." OH, SO BRAVE, AGAIN.

I guess it all works out for the best. My copy of the episode froze at around the 38 minute mark. Everyone sounds very happy, at least.

Gordon should do a Domestic Kitchen Nightmares where he just turns up at people's houses and starts rooting through their fridges. I'd love to have him over to my place, but it wouldn't make for a very interesting episode - all I've got in my fridge right now is a bottle of water, half a bottle of wine and some cheese that's got more culture than I do.



  1. OMGoodness!!! Gordon!!! I love him and that show! Of course, everyone is always "what the fuck does he know?" when he first comes, which irritates me because, um, duh...YOU called HIM to come fix the restaurant YOU screwed up!

    *giggle* I have GOT to start watching Kitchen Nightmares again!

    1. Makes no sense, right? I swear, sometimes it's as if they're trying to trick us into thinking that Gordon is just working his way across America, driven by his superpower alone. (Said superpower would be a kind of 'spider-sense' but for restaurants in the shitter.)

      And they all whinge and complain and talk about how Gordon is rude and hates their food and HELLO? You have SEEN this show, right? Migod, people.

      Yes, start watching it again. It's lots of fun.

  2. OH! And what the heck is a scone, exactly??? I've never had one, but hear about them all the time! And I want to know, but not quite enough to stop doing all the other things I am doing and look them up.

    1. They're a kind of English sweet cake. Gorgeous with cream and jam, and tea, of course.