Christmas Massacre??

I finally put the Christmas tree up this afternoon, which involved climbing into the attic to drag down my box of decorations. Something happens up there in the eleven months they're not used, and I wish I knew what it was, but I'm mostly glad I don't.

All I know is that all the ornaments went into the box neatly arranged and in one piece.

But, man..

TINY MURDER

What the hell did that Nutcracker dude do to deserve such an ugly death? He looks as if he's been drawn and quartered. I was rummaging through the box to try and find the tiny Joffrey & Iron Throne that must somehow have materialised in there to call down punishment like that. I couldn't find one, of course, but I would hang the shit out of a Tyrion tree topper. That would be amazing. In fact, if anyone wants to make me a whole set of Game of Thrones Christmas tree decorations, I would be really appreciative. I'd particularly like a Jorah Moremont one, since I am nursing a gargantuan crush on him.

Anyway, I stood looking at the sad broken pieces of Nutcracker dude for a while, wondering whether or not I should glue him back together, or if I should respect the decision of the rest of the decorations and allow them to keep their justice. I mean, I only turn up once a year, they have to maintain order somehow for the entire time they're packed away in the a--

What the actual fuck is wrong with me, sometimes.

Punch. Innaface.

I'm watching this new TV show, The Wedding Band, while I'm wrapped up in a hundred layers of clothing, shivering and feeling utterly sorry for myself because I've got the 'flu. It's a horrid, ANGRY strain of 'flu too, the vomiting and pooping one as well as all the earache and sore throatishness and snot. Seriously, it's the worst. I slept all day, and I hatehatehate waking up when it's dark outside. Completely throws me, I am now confused and frightened.

I had the weirdest 'flu dream about going to see a Game of Thrones museum that was set in some old, half-ruined castle. When you got to the top floor there was all this memorabilia in one room, then a beardy guy came and ran through a presentation that required audience participation because evil Direwolves came out of the walls and attacked everyone until a piece of paper was thrown in a vase. What? I don't know, it was a dream. Anyway, I decided to stay there and put on a red ballgown that was part of the exhibit. And THEN it was an actual medieval castle and I made out with Sean Bean.

But enough of that. This new TV show centers around a group of middle-aged dudes who have - you guessed it - a band that plays weddings. For the event they're hired to do this week (not a wedding, a re-reunion) they're required to hire a female singer so they can do duets.

Cue wacky audition montage. I mean, that was ridiculous in itself. These scantily clad women traipse up to a microphone and make terrible off-key mewling noises. I guess the show didn't want to pay any more silly song royalties, so none of them actually sing a song. The first woman goes 'La-la-la, waaah,' the second goes like 'Boom-tish-tish' or something, I can't remember and I'm certainly not going to watch it again. It was just baffling. None of these women came to the audition with a song prepared? Even the worst of the auditionees on Idol have a fucking song to sing. They don't just go 'La lalala, ooooOOOoooh-a.' SO FUCKING STUPID.

Then this 'cool' woman rocks in and is all 'Let's do [Some song], start playing on my count, one-two-three..' Like, there's this band they're auditioning for and none of the other women thought to have them play, either. I guess she's supposed to come off as ballsy and a woman with attitude, but she just seems like a dick. I rolled my eyes so hard they almost got stuck up there.

Then there's the fact that she's dressed like this:

Ugh. UGH. UGGGHHH.

Oh God, I can't even look at her. Fingerless leather gloves, woolly slouchie hat, some sort of zebra print bra.. Granted, I may be overreacting because I'm poorly and she exists, but if she walked into my audition I'd punch her in the face before she had a chance to speak, let alone sing. I certainly wouldn't hire her. FINGERLESS LEATHER GLOVES?

OH, COME ON.

Not cool, show. I don't need that kind of shit today.