Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Internets: Fuck, yeah!

Play.com has a sale on. It's great because they sell some really needless junk that I derive pleasure from hoarding, but they also sell some super-stupid shit. It's a thin line between one and the other, but a line I have learned to enjoy treading. Today I have mostly been buying crap I don't need, and compiling a list of items that could be purchased from Play to make someone look like a total asshat.

Firstly, the worst t-shirt ever. What exactly would you be trying to say about yourself if you wore this shirt in public? Not only are you a lousy human being, but you're a dirty pube-scratcher too? Who the hell even thought that was a funny slogan? Someone pitched that idea to someone else, and they agreed that it was a good idea. I think everyone can agree that this shirt would make a person look like a complete dickwad.

Aw yissssss, culturally insensitive items of clothing! Pair this with the shirt and you're onto a winner! Well, either that or really, really close to losing. Hard. Actually, now I come to write this I'm not actually sure if a fez is a culturally insensitive garment. I've only ever seen one during the move Aladdin, and on Tommy Cooper. Oh fuck, am I the culturally insensitive one?

Don't forget a douchey bit of accessorising. A blue rubber wristband with the word 'SORTED' emblazoned across it in that elvish-y font people use when they're trying to look sophisticated. PAPYRUS. Papyrus is the key to class.
A badge that looks like a Jammie Dodger. Hours of fun! Watch strangers grab vainly at your coat in the street, only to be FOILED by the cleverness of this incredibly realistic badge. So good you'll forget that you're a gargantuan tool for wearing it. Badges in general really, especially a large number of them pinned to a slouchie hat. I have this recurring fantasy in which Jigsaw from the Saw movies gets a bunch of hipsters in a dark room, and when he turns the lights on all the walls are covered in badges, with the pins out. They have to unironically wear a 90's cultural icon badge in order to be freed.
Well, shit. What use is there in having an iPad if you can't make it look like a criminal?

I have gone slightly off topic now, since there's no real way to wear this, but my god, WHAT A TITLE. I feel like this is a wild romp of a movie, with many thrills and spills. Also, probably a little bit racist.

LOOK, it's a MOUTH EXERCISER! It 'tones and refines the face, giving you a beautiful smile'. Fuck off. No it does not. It gives you a Clockwork Orange smile.

This is not a licensed product. Someone gonna get sued. They're also going to be horribly murdered, probably by me, because if there's one thing the world needs LESS of, it's 50 Shades of Grey shit. Just looking at this makes me unreasonably angry. What about this is even remotely connected to that shitty book series anyway? I read those books so that I was legally entitled to spew bile and venom about them, and in none of them is Christian Grey described as a monotone beige, nor made of rubber, nor capable of growing four times his size in water.

That is the ugliest item of jewelry I've ever, ever seen. And I'm including the 'SORTED' wristband in that. LOOK HOW LARGE IT IS. Look at those dead black eyes. That's not a necklace, that's a weapon. You could use that sucker like a cat o' nine tails. Obviously, it's more of an 'owl of one tail', but whatever.

Usually I like to finish strong, but I just said 'owl of one tail', so I'm abandoning everything in shame. I was also going to include links to the aforementioned items, but honestly, if you want to buy any of them any obstacle I can put in your way is really a favour to you.

No comments:

Post a Comment