Monday, 15 October 2012

A list of reasons my dog won't go outside to pee:

  • Cold - "Godfriend, my fur is too cold. Let us try tomorrow. IS THAT A BALL YOU HAVE THERE?"
  • Hot - "Godfriend, my fur is too warm. I don't want to melt under the giant burning ball in they sky. Let's stay inside today and we can play 'who loves you more'. Hint: It's meeee!"
  • Raining - "The sky-god is sad, Godfriend. Perhaps you can offer him a treat. Not one of mine though, I think he would hate those."
  • Windy - "The tree-things are angry today, Godfriend. I will not vex them further."
  • Dark - "...suspicious, sticky black."
  • Too bright - "The great sky-eye is fixed on us, Godfriend. We must stay off the roads."
  • Too smelly - "The old friend-monster next door is engaging in his bi-monthly fire rituals. You and I know nothing good comes from the Red God."
  • Too loud - "I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING AND IT TASTES LIKE PANIC. Let's stay inside and wait for it to pass. Here, I will amuse you by squeaking this toy!"
  • Too quiet - "Godfriend, I can hear very little. It is the time of night when the Cat Gods roam. I shall not venture out this night. We can cuddle instead!"
  • Too many birds - "Do you see them? Classic bird-creature attack positions. I do not think it is safe for you out there."
  • Not enough birds - "...suspicious."
  • The cats are watching through the window - "Godfriend, make them stop watching me! Make them stop! They cannot know all my secrets!"
  • If she's on her own - "Godfriend! Godfriend! You are the best! Come and see what I have made in my body for you. Did you see?!"
  • If all her poop has been poopscavated - "WHERE AM I? I NEEDED ALL OF THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS ANYMORE! Godfriend, the cats have taken my markers and are using them for their nefarious schemes!"
  • If there are fireworks - "A red comet! And a blue one and a pink one and.. I mean, I'm just guessing. I'm kind of colourblind."
  • Before she has eaten - "Oh, great Godfriend, I cannot possibly venture outside so weak from hunger."
  • After she has eaten - "Oh, great Godfriend, I cannot possibly venture outside so full from the delicious wobbly meaty bits you so benevolently allowed me."
  • If it looks like it MIGHT POSSIBLY START TO RAIN WHILE WE'RE OUT THERE. - "No, Godfriend. Save yourself. Just remember, I love you."

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