Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Insert Dr Horrible's part of 'On the Rise' here.

So I have this big post I'm working on, which seemed like a good idea at the time, but since I underestimated my incredible powers of procrastination, confounded further by an attention span which can only be likened to that of a goldfish, it--

Ooh, something shiny.

Sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes. The big post. It's taking more time than I thought it would, mostly because of my inherent need to waffle on about things to a ridic extent. I touch-type extremely quickly, which means that something I had intended to confine to a sentence morphs and bloats into an entire page of alarmingly sharp tangents and mini-rants which have nothing to do with whatever it is I'm writing.

They announced the list of what fledgling shows have been cancelled about a week ago, and also which new and ongoing shows have been renewed. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty pissed about it all.

I watch all the shows. All of 'em. I'm supposed to recap them, but a good 90% of the time I do not, because I am the laziest person on the planet. There were some promising new sitcoms, in particular I was enjoying 'Surviving Jack' and 'Growing up Fisher', which have both been taken out back and shot in the head.

Look, sitcoms these days are generally just vaguely amusing ways in which to kill 22 minutes. I'm not holding them up to sky-high standards, but there's a big difference between a likable cast with chemistry and motherfucking Two and a Half Men, or Anger Management, both of which make me actually feel depressed thinking about them. The idea of watching an episode is mortifying.

Look what being on this show did to the kid. He's literally turning into a caveman and/or an inside-out conker shell.

I have watched episodes in the past, mostly because I think it's dumb to offer an opinion on something you've never experienced yourself. I'm pretty sure I'd love zorbing, but I've never done it, and thus I do not give my opinion on the greatness or shittiness of rolling down hills in giant inflatable balls. So, because I've watched Two and a Half Men, I am allowed to call it as I see it - and what I see is hell. There is nothing funny about it. Not even in the slightest. It's soul-sucking. The poor writers have just given in to the banality of it all and written out every (even tiny) sliver of reliability or redeeming quality in John Cryer's character. I actually hate Alan Harper. There is also revulsion in there. He has become what they used to joke he was, which I guess makes him a joke. A bad, unfunny joke.

"Hilarious." She deadpanned, knife in hand.

There have, so far, been TWELVE seasons of this shite, and not even Charlie Sheen's meltdown could stop it. I like Ashton Kutcher's body as much as the next perv, but I can't even LOOK at you anymore, Kutch. I can't do it.

Speaking of Charlie Sheen, he moved on to another depressing sitcom in which he STILL plays a guy named Charlie and we're STILL supposed to be able to suspend our disbelief to such an extent to believe that attractive women want to have sex with him. Why the fuck is he called Charlie in everything he plays, anyway? Can he just not deal with a character name, or is he just admitting he plays himself in all these fucking shows?

Anger Management is in its second season, and it's just hit SIXTY episodes. That 'clunk' noise you heard was my jaw hitting the desk. Firefly gets cancelled one season in, Game of Thrones only lets us have ten episodes a season, and fucking TWO AND A HALF MEN has been on for TWELVE SEASONS and Anger Management is on a SIXTY EPISODE PLUS SEASON?

Fuck this. Fuck everything. Everything is shit.

I only had to watch two episodes of Anger Management to nail it for what it is - shit. The characters are so painfully generic it makes my teeth hurt just thinking about them. Let's see, we've got the old, white homophobic racist; the pretty, dumb, mean girl; a guy who looks like Shaggy and who is a stoner; and a gay male fashion designer. WOW. That's some GROUND-BREAKING STUFF, they really threw the book out of the window to come up with these exiting new characters. The only thing in this awful, awful show that isn't predictable is, again, how in the hell Charlie Sheen gets to bang a new beautiful woman every episode.

Impossible. There's never any plot.

I'm going to go and wash the rage off me now, with fire and brimstone and those little shell-shaped pumice stones.


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